Scripps Sunday- Party Hosting Ideas Edition

Thank you to Priya Parker for this fabulous article!!

7 Secrets of a Highly Successful Dress Code

I have always been fascinated by the deft use of a good dress code. Why is it that some dress codes feel delightful, while others feel oppressive? What's the difference between a sartorial theme that sparks amusement versus anxiety? At its most basic, a dress code is a directive or a request from a host to their guests on attire for an event. Dress codes can unite a disparate group of people who don’t share the same social codes. They can also completely backfire.

If gathering is about the navigation of power and connection in a group for a purpose, there’s no better learning site for us aspiring artful gatherers than dress codes. And what better time to explore the idea of a dress code than Halloween?

So, without further ado, here's what I think dress codes that work get right:

1. A good dress code primes your guest.

For a 40th Birthday party, a host requested the following attire: "The single best thing in your closet. (No shopping!)" The invitation primed a spirit of curiosity, groundedness, and joy before anyone entered the room. It was a generous ask, in part because it explicitly banned people from spending money. It gave each guest the flexibility and the agency to decide how to define the word "best" and what that might be in their wardrobe. And, for some, it was an invitation to go down memory lane. (Three guests showed up in their wedding dresses.) 

2. A good dress code is interpretable and carries just the right amount of risk.

I once heard about a TV launch party where the theme was "Dress like your ex is going to be there." Immediately makes you chuckle, right? It's relational, it equalizes (we've all been there), there's space for interpretation (do you wear those great new pants or dark sunglasses and a mustache?), and it captures the purpose: it connected guests with the content of the TV show (which was all about exes and complicated relationships). 

3. A good dress code temporarily equalizes.

For their annual gala, a non-profit based in East Austin called Forklift Danceworks invited their guests to dress in blue, green, and anything evocative of water. The theme of the night was "The Shape of Water." For water-oriented folks like Michele (the guest who wrote me about it), it was "an invitation to connect with strangers." Dress codes can act as equalizers and give guests a shared conversational context. This directive was particularly brilliant because it side-stepped the often-fancy assumptions of galas and gave guests a completely different way to show up.

4. A good dress code (like a good host) is self-aware and knows its audience.

I was once invited to a "We Didn’t Start the Fire" birthday party. Guests were asked to dress as one of the people, places, books, songs or events named in the lyrics of Billy Joel’s "1989 lyrical masterpiece." It came with a spreadsheet listing every lyric with only one constraint: one person, one item. The next line of the email read:

"ARE THERE OTHER COSTUME RULES, BIG GUY?"

None! Be as creative or as literal as you want to be! (tastefully, please) 

Would this have worked for every audience? Perhaps not. But this host knew his audience. (And the tongue-and-cheek line also bought him a little grace.) People showed UP.

5. A good dress code creates banter.

Laura threw a "no pants party" for her 27th birthday (inspired by the Simpsons' "Don’t you hate pants?" episode). It was the middle of July in Chicago. She didn’t have AC in her apartment. People arrived in dresses and skirts and kilts and bathing suits and fun underwear and even diapers. "There were some shorts," she told me, "which were questionable choices but allowed (with a side-eye)." But things got really interesting when her father showed up wearing overalls. A debate erupted about whether or not overalls are pants. "It was an argument that rivaled 'is the hotdog a sandwich?'" And who doesn’t love a hilarious, low-stakes controversy? The party was a total hit. 

6. A good dress code orients to the purpose of the gathering.

For one memorial service, guests were invited to wear sequins. "She loved sparkle," one of the guests wrote. "It was an amazing night of connecting and celebrating her life." At another, guests were requested to eschew the traditional black and wear orange and pink instead. Inside the invitation was a beautiful photo of their beloved, wearing her favorite block-pattern pink and orange sheath for inspiration. "Given that I don’t own any pink or orange garments, I decided to have fun with accessories," one guest wrote. "This gathering wasn’t about my personal taste. Adhering to the requested dress code was a playful challenge and resulted in a sense of anticipation before arriving," which "subdued my sadness," she said.

People are willing to give up some amount of agency (and tradition) when connected with a clear purpose and honoring something (or someone) they value.

7. A good dress code is generative *at* the gathering.

Margaret threw a party with the following request: "Dress like your favorite song title." As folks entered, the hosts would try to guess the song. They’d then add the guest’s song to the night's playlist "with a co-curated set that kept growing throughout the evening." Every song played then generated its own scene: The thrill of recognition! A story! Curiosity! After the party, they sent out the post-party playlist as a fun, free party favor. 

You can do this too.

Think about the last time you got really excited about a dress code. 

• Why was this dress code so much fun? Did you have to do anything special ahead of time? 

• How did this dress code impact the tone of the gathering itself? 

• What aspect of the dress code grounded the gathering in purpose?

At the end of the day, a good dress code invites guests to play a part in bringing to life the purpose of a gathering. I'll leave you with this one, from a baby shower: "Wear black because this kid will be the death of our social life!" 

P.S. I recently asked folks on Instagram about their favorite dress codes and over 200 of you responded. The list there is pretty awesome. Thank you for the inspiration!

and I went through the list on Instagram and picked my favorites!

• ·       Once, my friends in NYC threw a party at Bowlmor. The theme was the Bowling Ball. Women wore bridesmaid dresses that they thought they'd never wear again, and men were encouraged to sport "fun" black tie options. Bowling in a gown was awesome!
• ·       I once went to a party where everyone was assigned a random partner, and you had to dress together as a word or phrase. Like sunflower, with one person as a sun, one as a flower. There were some really creative pairs and so much fun guessing the words behind the costumes
• ·       Come dressed as the guy who’s birthday it was. Surprise party. We just showed up at his house, dressed to look like him.
• ·       I hosted a wig party one year and people had the most amazing wigs! Rule was you had to wear a wig to the party. I had a super tall green beehive, made for great photos and by the end of the evening there was a great deal of wig swapping going on, which made for even better pictures!
• ·       20 years ago, I hosted a wedding theme party where all my girlfriends could "wear a bridesmaid dress again, just like the bride promised"! We took photos in the park and marveled at the puff sleeves and gaudy colours and fabrics! We also ate "wedding cake"
• ·       My best friend’s daughter was killed in an ATV accident at 8 years old. For the funeral, we had a celebration of life and everyone was asked to wear bright colored clothes that reflected Riley Kate’s spirit for living. She was a happy, bright, colorful child that sparked joy when you were in her presence. I was honored to speak at the celebration of life, and as I took my place at the podium, with my bright blue outfit, I looked out to the crowd of 200+ people and saw the most beautiful rainbow of colors looking back at me. I could not help but smile! I commented that I was sure Riley was giggling and laughing and telling Jesus, “I got them! Look at all the pretty colors!” Funny how adding color gave us permission to smile, if even for just a brief moment, while wrapped in a blanket of grief.
• ·       My favorite Halloween party dress instruction was "Wear what you wouldn't be caught dead in". Everyone had such fun choosing and wearing things they wouldn't have chosen or worn otherwise.
• ·       My good friends host a pajamajam party each year in February. Cozy Onesies with breakfast for dinner. So fun!
• ·       Party theme “It used to be cool”
• ·       My favourites were: *Come as you were*- dressing up as your teenage self and bring some pictures and add music from back then to a playlist.
• ·       A Monochrome Potluck Party - choose a color and get points for everything in that color. Points for clothes, jewelry, food, and the color of your transportation. Very fun!
• ·       Fanciest thing already in my closet! I re-wore my Emmy dress. Great party.
• ·       I hosted a party for my 37th birthday that was dress up as your parent at your current age. So I dressed as my mom when she was 37. It was hilarious!! We all got a glimpse into everyone's upbringing and family history while acting the part of our parents. We karaoked the music we grew up on and played games our parents played with their friends. It really was the best party!
• ·       Night at the library. A dinner party I threw delivered vintage books as invites on a “library card”… had to show up to return your book, wearing librarian clothes prepared to share about your favorite book around dinner and wine.
• ·       "Wear whatever makes you feel beautiful." I loved the simplicity and the open-endedness of the it. The guests could interpret it anyway they wanted! It led to a beautiful and eclectic collection of outfits.
• ·       Recently attended a gala called The Shape of Water (public dances in connection with Austin's Watershed Protection Dept), outfit theme was blue, green, evocative of water. People came in a creative variety of interpretations. Best part was how the whole thing served as an invitation to connect with strangers - friends you hadn't met yet - bc we shared this piece of identity, and could explore what it meant to us.
• ·       Dress like you did in 7/8th grade. It was amazing!! So many people that I knew I learned to know deeper based on their young selves.
• ·       Wig and creative black tie (holiday party)! So fun. Everyone looked fabulous and the wigs gave permission to be fun and silly while looking spectacular.
• ·       For my MIL's 60th, she asked her guests to wear purple---taken from the first line of a poem that begins "When I am an old woman I shall wear purple"
• ·       Theme: Dress like your favorite song title
• 
  
• Fun to see how creative people got, guess, and have a topic of conversation (music). As hosts we made a playlist of everyone’s songs for the evening.
• ·       For a brief period of time, there was a tradition of hosting “one article of clothing” parties at our university. (Maybe it’s still ongoing, who knows!?) There were more conservative choices of overalls and dresses, of course, but also duct tape and ponchos. The winner was most definitely the guest who arrived wearing only a bandana. Around their neck.
• ·       We had December 7 wedding at our home, told guests to bring an ornament for our first Christmas tree together as the only gift, and encouraged ugly Christmas sweaters which I put on with my wedding dress later in the night!
• ·       Hosted a ‘This Old Thing’ house warming party one year where people had to wear one of their oldest or least worn items in their closet. So people came in their high school cheerleading uniform, ratty old t-shirt from when they were kids, bridesmaids dress, etc.
• ·       For my 27th birthday (long time ago 😅) I held a “no pants party” as inspired by Homer Simpson’s “Don’t you hate pants?” episode. It was the middle of July in Chicago and my apartment had no AC, so it was perfect. People arrived in dressed, skirts, kilts, fun underwear, diapers. Bathing suits—it was a blast. There were some shorts, which were questionable choices but allowed (with a side-eye). But my DAD came over in long-legged overalls, which erupted into a party-wide argument on whether or not they qualified as pants. It was an argument that rivaled “is the hot dog a sandwich.” He was allowed to stay only because he was my dad, but I saw it as a rule break.
• ·       Attire for our gala fundraiser next week is “joyful” - open to interpretation!
• ·       I think it would be fun to plan an event and ask people to dress in clothes and accessories that make them feel most like themselves — whatever that means to them. PJs, a gown, preppy, gym clothes, burning man garb, jeans and a t shirt, a costume etc. Then everyone can share why they feel “most like myself” in what they chose.
• ·       I had a lot of fun at college parties - the ABC (“anything but clothes”) was particularly memorable. 😅 Another time we were asked to dress up as something that began with the same letter as our name. Very fun icebreaker!
• ·       Our Wedding: adventure chic
• ·       Jeans and jewels 💎
• ·       Sequins! It was for my friends memorial service. She loved sparkle ✨️ It was an amazing night of connecting and celebrating her life
• ·       favorite things! We all interpreted that in our own way!